Olympic Anxiety*

i had a sad day today.  tonight i decided to come home a day early (i was originally going to stay at the beach alone tonight but i didn't want to be alone) and so i took the last/ late boat off the island.  it was a beautiful night.  the sky was a deep dark blue and the moon was so bright.  it was cool and clear and while the boat ride itself was nice, i was really feeling so sad and overwhelmed and vulnerable on it. 

i thought i could make a list**. and that maybe if i can name some of these feelings and worries and thoughts, that they will make more sense or go away or challenge me to write more on them.  maybe it will bring some healing.

so here goes.  this is what goes through my head.  often.

- i am worried that there is actually something wrong with me.  that this isn't just some fluke. and that i will have to wait for three miscarriages to get someone to acknowledge that it's not just "statistics" (as an aside: don't ever say this (about how 1 in 4 women miscarry and it's SO normal) to a woman who has just experienced a miscarriage. it just feels dismissive, not reassuring.)

- i can worry that this is because of something completely un-fixable about me.

- or that it is something that i have done to myself (like because i am overweight or doing something wrong while i was ttc-ing or pregnant- how many things i can list that i did "wrong" is never ending. i, at least, have enough sense to not go there. usually.).

- i am worried that even if there wasn't something wrong with me then, that my month off of mourning and stressing and eating crap and no vitamins will make me have another miscarriage or not get pregnant at all.

- i fear this has altered me in a way that i can't recover from.

- i worry that i am overreacting or having some kind of unreasonable response. (or maybe that other people think that?)

- i worry that my body will never feel the same.

- i worry that i'll never want to have sex again. or that i will not enjoy it or let go enough for it to be good.

- i worry that the people i am relying on (and, really, boo) will grow tired of how long this is taking me to process (or get over). (my mom asked me today how i was doing and i almost burst into tears it felt so nice to be asked. like it was ok to say not ok.)

- i worry that i am not recovering or letting go or dealing well. and i worry about what that means about my mental health.

- i fear i will have no joy or hope next time.

- i fear next time.

- i fear there will never be a next time.

- i fear that i will never get this feeling off me. 

- i fear that my dad will never meet my children. (because he'll die first which is a long-standing fear made worse by above anxiety about ttc not working).

- i fear the skin around my eyes will peel off from all the tears that have stained it and dried it out this month.

- i fear i will never feel at home in san francisco.

- or that boo won't.

- i fear i am making some insane decision to go to school out there and that i am about to ruin our chances at this baby and our life plans.

- i fear that this fear will take over my life.

- and that i will feel sad for so much longer.

i do just wish it would all just go away. (a very mature response, clearly.) i guess i am just not sure how to get it all out.  even now, after writing this, all i can think is that you all will read this and think me a drama queen.  and that's not at all how i mean to come across.  it's just that i feel so incredibly overwhelmed.  so shocked by my own reaction. so shocked that it happened. so shocked that it's unfolding like this.  i think i really thought i would be prepared in some way.  or not attached or altered.  but i was.  i felt pregnant. i was pregnant. and was so full of hope and plans. 

i am a planner.  my therapist is always pointing this out.  pointing out how that bites me in the ass.  when i plan for myself and others, things i can't actually control.  so, here i am again.  learning this lesson again.  at least i am trying to see it as a lesson.  as a gift or an opportunity. 

but, i only have that grace at random moments.  when the fear isn't so loud or obvious in my head.  like now, maybe, when it's on the page and it seems almost silly.

why not just let it go?

so many asides today
*there are always a number of Olympic events going on at our house at any given moment: Laundry Olympics, Snuggling Olympics, Nap Racing (at the Olympic Level). currently, i am a world record holder for anxiety.  just so you know the background.
**my apologies to boo. she hates a list.  and so do i, usually.  but this is just not the stuff of prose.
***can i finally just say that i don't necessarily think these things are true.  and i am not looking for everyone to say that to me.  it's more about just getting the fears out.  out of my head.  onto the page.

Comments

[thebao]

Oh sweetie. I am sending you lots of hugs. I know you wrote this for yourself and as a way to get some feelings out, not to get responses, but I have to say it: You are not silly; you are not a drama queen; you are having a completely normal, understandable, and human reaction to a major trauma that was not only emotional but also physical. You *were* pregnant. No one thinks you should just get over it already or just let it go already. It *just* happened, and recovery is going to take awhile. Please know I'm thinking of you, and please take care of you.

[Hannah]

Justine, I don't have a [TTC] blog of my own and perpetually lurk on everyone else's, but I'm breaking radio silence to reach out to you and Boo and let you know that when you get to the Bay Area, I'm part of a small monthly queer TTC discussion group here, a really wonderful safe space to talk about these kinds of (totally understandable and important) feelings, and we would love to have you if you're interested.

[Olive]

You're definitely not a drama queen. You're going through something life altering and horrible, it's natural not to have your bearings and to be consumed by emotions. I wish it could all just go away. The only thing I know for you is the same thing I know for us as we struggle with ttc: while the pain for this will always remain, one day it won't hurt so badly.

[poppycat]

Sweet girl, you are not being melodramatic. Every thought you are having is normal for the trauma you have just experienced. I misscarried back in April and I still struggle nearly every day with almost exactly the same thoughts and feelings. It took me by suprise how incredibly difficult physically and emotionally this whole thing is. I don't think you ever will be the same for better or for worse, but we do the best we can to make good out of it and not let it drag us down. It is taxing emotionally and even if the scars fade, they will always be there. Just this morning on my commute to work when I had too much time to think, I found myself fighting back tears as I thought about my m/c. So I guess what I am trying to say is "It's ok. It hurts like hell. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you". If you ever want to chat about it via email please please contact me. Sometimes just letting it all out to someone who is not emotionally invested is a relief and I am here to listen.

Be kind to yourself and don't shoulder too much burden on your own. It will get better.

Thinking of you. xoxo

[Gayby Rabies]

I'm sorry these past few weeks have been so awful. Although I've never been through anything as painful as a miscarriage, I've felt many of the same things you talk about. I too worry that my body is broken in some horrible irreparable way. I worry that I've ruined my chances to get pregnant because I accidentally ate a piece of chocolate. I worry that month after month of BFNs has made me so depressed that my partner, friends and family will leave me. I worry that I'll drive myself into horrible debt chasing the impossible dream of motherhood. There's nothing wrong with any of the fears or worries you've been having. You need to go through all of these emotions at your own pace, and not feel guilty for being sad. I hope that in time, the pain will not be so much in the foreground of your daily existence. Please take care of yourself and do things that make you happy, and spend time with people you love. I'm thinking of you both.

[Jackie]

Nothing I can say will express what I wish I knew how to say. I am so sorry for your loss. I think that it is so brave of you to put all of your fears and anxieties here. We can't control our emotions, but to acknowledge them is powerful. Much love. Many hugs.